Grand Theft Mario
by Eric1
Summary: When his brother steals his woman, there's only one way to pay the debt.. in blood! Chapter 2 up! Cleverly written, expect this to be a two-person project. Best read by GTA players and Mario fans. R&R (That's Read and Review, folks!).
1. Mission 1

Liberty City was home. Besides home, it was also a greasy, slimey little town covered in gangs warring over the Slurpy machine at the local 7-11, and women wanting you to pay them to take their clothes off. Mario had never really taken to them, since most of them were crawling with every STD known to man, and for the most part, were missing teeth. Eitherways, he'd learned to stay as far away from them as possible. The cops were liable to think you were bargaining with them, and chase you down if you so much as slow down near one.

Besides that, this place had the distinct smell. Alot like Brooklyn, New York. Just with less mileage. If you could cross it going a hundred in a few minutes, then it certainly wasn't Brooklyn. Even so, the smell brought back memories. Memories of his brother, and the time they took that crappy job doing the 'Mario Dance', when they had to invite little kids over to watch episodes of Super Mario World, and Legend of Zelda on Fridays. Then that little bastard Luigi had to fuck it up for them and touch one behind the furnace. The cops were all over them like white on rice, but nothing the local Paint Shop couldn't fix. It's a shame OJ didn't think about it.

Now that son of a bitch had gone and done it. For some odd reason, all the Paint Shops were closed in Liberty City when the cops were on them. He had to get out of town for a while, but the minute he heard the Luigi was macking his bitch, Princess Peach, there was some hell to pay. And he knew just the people to give him hell. First, however, he needed contacts. He reached over for the small white and blue box, and busted out some of those new flimsy-glass things that act just like glass, but were too.. squishy.. for their own good. He quickly slipped them in, and turned the key to turn on his van. On the side it read, 'The Plumbers: If Your Sink Is In Trouble, Call Us On The Double'. It reminded him of his old job.

His first stop was to see an old friend. A friend as old as he could remember. He met him while he was on vacation. Though his friend had an unsatiable appetite for berries and cookies, he seemed to also be bisexual. He shit out eggs alot, resulting in his own little army of bastard children that made up ninety percent of his gang.

* * *

"Woahhh! Look who it is! It's my old friend, Mario! What're you doin' in this neck of the woods, Mario?" That fat-ass, Yoshi, sat in his nest. Around him, in small incubators, were eggs no larger than your foot. Several Pink and Purple Yoshi, obviously the bitches of the gang, patrolled them as if they were guards, charged with guarding gold at Fort Knox. It was an amusing sight at first, but seeing his old friend shitting out eggs each time he ate a small bird-like creature, in this case, a turkey disappearing into his gaping maw, was rediculously disturbing.

One of the eggs near him hatched, and immediately began bitching for food. Yoshi were intelligent, and made up more than half of the Yoshkuza gang. Fortunately, the women were alot less timid, and once you had one, they were always at your beck and call. Plus, they gave good head. Eitherways, Mario drifted free of drifting thoughts and got straight to the point.

"That bitch Luigi has gone too far. He took Daisy from me, and I forgave him. We're brothers, right?" Mario began, looking to see if Yoshi was listening. Noting that Mario was looking for some sign that he was listening, Yoshi quickly took up a half-cooked chicken and swallowed it whole, shitting out a small white and green speckled possible bastard child. One of the pink yoshi quickly moved over to pick it up, making sure to bow her head as it was placed on an incubator. "Right. Well, now he's been mackin' my bitch, Princess Peach. As if having Daisy isn't enough, he's got to have Peach."  
  
"Eh. She's a whore anyways, Mario. I say you should have a true woman, eh? How about one of these Pink or Purple ones?" Yoshi inquired, motioning towards the female of the room, who immediately bowed their head in respect.

"Sorry, Yoshi. I don't swing that way. But maybe a favor later." Mario adjusted the white gloves on his hands. He always enjoyed the white gloves, but most people thought he had some weird Micheal Jackson complex. Those people quickly wound up dead. "For now, I just need some support so I can take out that mother fucker Luigi."

"Easier said than done. I've been having alot of trouble lately with the Bob-Ombs. Little bastards are like terrorists, y'know? They just waddle their black asses right up to us and blow up. We've been losing alot of men to Bob-Ombs, and I just can't shit them out fast enough to replace them. I want you to head over to the Bob-Omb factory and blow it up. They're looking for Yoshi to kill, not you. You'll be able to get in easy. I want you to contact 8-Ball. He'll get you hooked up with the shit you need." Yoshi explained, shitting out another green speckled egg. Mario quickly turned before he could see the results.

* * *

8-Ball lived in a run-down home. It made alot of sense. Most of the cops wouldn't dare look for him there. And if they did, they'd likely blow up. Mario quickly hopped out of his van, crossing the gravel to the screen door. Screen door out of the way, and he slowly made his way inside. Oddly enough, he'd had to cross a bright blue column of light. Some sort of identification device or something. Eitherways, once he got to the door, a Pink Bob-Omb met him.

"What the fuck?! Oh.. you're that fat-bitch plumber Yoshi sent to me. Sit your pasta-lovin' ass down on the couch and i'll have your explosives for you in a second. Tanya! Bitch! Get in here and help me on the table again, you ever-lovin'.. I swear to GOD!" The Pink Bob-Omb waddled his way over towards the middle of the kitchen, just as a Pink Yoshi stepped into the room. She quickly picked him up with her tongue, and set him on the table. "That's right, bitch. Put that tongue to good use. Now make yourself disappear!"

While the Yoshi passed by Mario to make her way into the bedroom, he crossed to sit on the couch. "So.. you're 8-Ball? I was expecting a Bob-Omb painted black and white.. but whatever." Mario shrugged, leaning back, watching the demolitions expert do his thing.

8-Ball quickly lifted his body towards him, narrowing his eyes. "Listen, bitch. It would be wise not to piss me off. If I get mad, I tend to explode. And when I explode, every MOTHER FUCKER in a five mile radius is gonna feel it. I'm a walking nuke, man! A WALKING NUKE!"

Mario quirked an eyebrow, watching the walking bomb get back to work. In only ten minutes time, a small bundled explosive was kicked his way. "Here's your explosives, bitch. I want fifty coins."

"Fifty coins! I thought Yoshi was paying for this!" Mario said in utter disbelief, quickly standing and picking up the bundle.

"Listen, plumber. Fifty bucks, and you can keep that explosive. Otherwise, Yoshi won't be very happy. Sacrifices must be made, and if this job isn't done, Yoshi won't be very happy. And you know how he hates being unhappy."

"Fine, fine." Mario murmured lowly, digging through his wallet. He threw the fifty gold coins on the floor, moving towards the door.

"A'ight, bitch! That's what i'm talking about! TANYA! Get in here and count this money, whore!"

The drowning of the screaming bomb was drowned out by the thick wooden door Mario closed behind him. He had places to go, bombs to destroy. He quickly turned his van around, and headed to the north, towards the small factory near the coast.

* * *

The coast was a little less lively. You had alot more honest, hard-working men here operating the crates and loading up boats than you did in the rest of the town. You'd find the ten most honest men here at the port, because that's how many people worked there. The factory operated itself. Besides that, the place was littered with Bob-Omb, and he had to make sure to park his van outside the gate, in the way of traffic. Though the traffic began to stack up, police passed by in the opposite direction and took no notice to it. Corrupt, greedy individuals they were, they cared little if you ran a red light right infront of them.

The groan of metal and the smell of the sea was the most dominant factor here, and besides that, the place was generally covered in smog. A light rain began as Mario shifted his way over the walking bombs that littered almost every inch of the area. As he turned a corner to begin collecting his things, a small hand tugged his shirt. "Yo, buddy.."  
  
At first thought to be a bum, it was only a butch-looking Yoshi with shades and a spiky collar around his neck. A blue one, at that, and this one looked as if he could take a blast from a Bob-Omb and still get up. "Yoshi told me yous be needin' some firepower. Here.. take this.." Boshi murmured, slowly handing over the small firearm. "There.. ain't much ammo there, but it should help ya's out. Now I can have my cookies.." The yoshi slowly turned and moved to the corner, beginning to eat his favorite spiked product, the Yoshi Cookie. Everyone loved them, and that's because it was laced with crack. And so, most of Liberty City was addicted in some way, shape, or form. The industry was booming in Liberty City, and that's generally how the Yoshkuza gained their money.

With the small pistol in hand, Mario slipped it into the back of his overalls, and moved slowly towards the factory. It puffed out smoke, and the results of the production usually presented the nearby stack of mattresses with a small army of tumbling Bob-Omb every ten minutes. He slowly moved over to the door, and opened it, only to be greeted with the guard. A gigantic Bob-Omb.

"Holy Christ.." It didn't seem to notice him at first, and so, Mario continued into the factory. Over to the machine that seemed to create them, and he tied the small explosives to the machine. It released the Bob-Ombs one by one, but the chain reaction would be enough to halt production long enough for the Yoshkuza to wipe them off the map. He quickly set the tiny two-minute timer on the package, and turned to run. He only had two minutes to get out of there.. but they'd be the longest two minutes of his life.

"Hey.. hey! Where do you think you're going?!" Out of the shadows rushed a pack of small moles. "We've got your ticket out of here. Swimmin' with the fishies, plumber!" The moles began to charge him, but using his amazing jumping power, and thick boots, stomped on two of them, crushing their feeble little bodies. More moles began to come out of the shadows, meaning that his hopes of killing them in time were non-existant. He quickly turned and rushed out the door, the moles in hot pursuit. They made cute little growling sounds. They made him sick to his stomach. The explosion of the factory large enough that it caused a shockwave along the ground. He jumped over it (or else he'd lose a life, those bastards!), and turned around. The moles had all but been wiped out.

Mario sighed in relief, turning back towards his van.. which.. was non-existant. It was just a flaming heap of scrap, surrounded by dead corpses of bombs. He growled.. moving towards the long line of traffic. He had to pick out a sweet ride.. and quickly found a nice yellow corvette to take up. Opening the driver-side door, the driver and passenger were quickly extracted.. a Toad, and a Koopa. They shouted obscenities, then, as he drove away, went to walking as if nothing had ever happened.

* * *

"That mission was probably easy for you, Mario." That fat-ass Yoshi had returned to eating turkeys again.. which made Mario hope he'd fall asleep from that weird substance that's in them that make you tired. "But i'll have some jobs for you at sixteen hundred hours."

Mario slowly made his way outside, glancing down at his watch. He'd probably have to blow some time off until.. no, wait.. it was flashing 15:99 on his watch. He stared for a moment.. watching it turn to sixteen hundred hours, before slowly turning and walking back into the building.

"MARIO! We've been lookin' for you, pal." Something was definetely not right, but who was Mario to complain about doing two jobs in one day? Yoshi reached out to pat his old friend on the shoulder, but couldn't muster the energy to lean that far. "We hear that your operation went flawlessly. We gave Boshi a few more Yoshi Cookies this month.. and, as for you.. here's a few hundred coins for your trouble."

That was always good. Mario was getting back what he'd spent on explosives and then some. Still, that didn't put him any closer to Luigi and his gang. He quickly pocketed the coinage. "How kind of you." He murmured sarcastically.

"Yeah, yeah. I know you're eager to get the jump on Luigi, but me and the Yoshi's ("Or just the other Yoshi" Mario thought), have been seeking information on him for you. We'll inform you when it comes in. For now, we've got another job for you. There's a chicken processing plant outside the town that isn't paying up chicken for protection. We need you to go show them what happens when they mess with the Yoshkuza!"

Without a second thought, Mario turned and walked out the door, pistol still tucked safely in the back of his overalls.


	2. Mission 2

_**Mission 2**_

_Written by D-san _

The sleek yellow corvette rolled to a stop in front of the tiny building, and Mario stepped out of the car, studying the slip of paper Yoshi had given him. Supposedly, the guy who ran the chicken processing plant wasn't just some greasy-haired nobody. Seems he was one tough customer, an ex-con named Ludwig who had grown tired with serving the higher ups of Liberty City. The way Yoshi had explained it, someone like Ludwig couldn't be taken out with a simple bullet to the head. He was too tough for that, too damn smart to die an easy death. So he had given Mario a slip of paper with the address of an arms dealer who was pretty reliable, someone who could provide a suitable weapon for a job like this.

But this didn't seem right. Mario glanced down the street, watching some whiny ass Koopa fighting with a cop about a parking ticket. The dealer was on a main street, where people could come and go as they pleased. It seemed people could care less that you could buy an Uzi and then walk down the street with it, waving it around like some brand new toy. And it wasn't like people were just too damn ignorant... the sign above the front door plainly read "Ammu-Nation", in big bold letters. He shrugged, and slipped the piece of paper into his back pocket. Not my problem, he thought.

Mario passed into the store, ignoring the fact that there was no front door, only an open doorway that led into the arms depot. He stopped in front of the counter, looking for the dealer that was supposed to help him, but there didn't seem to be anyone around. He shook his head, cursing softly under his breath before yelling towards the back of the store. "Yo, can I get some frickin' help out here?!" A tiny voice from behind the counter startled him. "Calm the hell down! Shit, don't people ever look down?!" Mario blinked, and leaned forward to peer behind the tabletop. A Toad stood there, polishing the glass on the ammo case. "Damn, not another Toad..." Mario lamented. The store owner exploded, his tiny voice booming within the confines of the store. "THE Toad, dumbass! Damn, what do I have to do to get noticed around here!!" With a slight smirk, Mario held up a gloved hand. "Hey, take it easy..." he said. "Yoshi sent me. Said you could give me a hand with some Ludwig guy." The Toad gave him a quizzical look, his voice skeptical. "You're Yoshi's new guy? I figured he woulda picked someone... skinnier." Mario cursed again, and glanced outside to where the corvette was parked. "Yeah, I'm the new guy." he said. "Can ya just give me the goods so I can get going?" The Toad laughed, and nodded, shuffling towards the back of the store.

"Yeah, I got what you're looking for. The names Toad. The original Toad, like I said. Just my luck every other Toad out there looks just like me. Asses..." Mario did his best to ignore the owner's ramblings, tapping his foot impatiently while he waited. A few minutes later Toad returned, carrying a pot in his hands. "Here..." he said. "Ludwig sure as hell ain't fireproof." Inside the pot lay a vivid red flower, its petals almost neon in color. "What the hell is this?" Mario asked. Toad gave a high pitched chuckle, rubbing his stubby little hands together as he replied. "You never seen one of those, cuz they're brand new. Called a Fire Flower. Looks harmless enough, right?" Mario laughed. "Damn right. What, am I gonna throw the pot at him?" Toad gave him a stern look, moving back behind the front counter. "Yeah, you think it's funny now..." he said. "But when push comes to shove, that flower's gonna save your ass. Look..."

He reached across the counter, and pointed to the flower's neon petals. "You point it at whatever the hell is bothering ya, and pinch the bottom of the stalk. The petals, they'll spin, and throw some big ass flames." Withdrawing his hand, Toad gave Mario a wry smile. But Mario only scoffed, glancing outside again. "Shit, you want me to believe I'll take this guy out with a flower?" With surprising swiftness, Toad hopped onto the counter, his beady little eyes ablaze as he spoke in a low voice. "Listen, plumber. I don't deal shoddy shit. You have my word, that flower is the best money can fuckin' buy." Mario took a small step back, more to escape the spittle flying from Toad's mouth than his wrath. "Yeah, alright..." he said. "Thanks a lot. This gonna be covered by Yoshi?" Toad gave only a small nod, his eyes still harsh, and Mario walked outside, the flower tucked under one arm. He hoped Toad was good for his word. Last thing he needed was to get caught in that chicken processing plant prepared for a damn garden party instead of a brawl.

The sun was just starting to dip below the horizon as Mario parked the car, about a block from the plant. Damn smog was so bad you could barely make out the tops of the taller buildings in town. Kinda made a person wish for the clear skies of Italy. Not that Mario had ever been to Italy, but everyone has to have a little patriotic spirit, some kind of affection for their homeland. Locking the car door was pointless (stupid car didn't even have a top), so Mario tucked the flower under his arm again and made his way to the plant. As the building loomed into view, he was a bit annoyed to find that not a single car was parked outside. The plant was open, that was for sure. Smoke was billowing out of one of the taller smokestacks. But if no one was inside, Yoshi would have hell to pay. Mario had better things to do, like take care of his bastard brother. He pushed the thoughts to the back of his head as he neared one of the plants backdoors.

Giving a quick glance around, Mario reached out to test the door handle. Sure enough, it was open. Didn't people lock doors nowadays? Not my problem, he thought again. He opened the door and stepped inside. As he stared out over the factory floor, he almost laughed. The assembly line was working alright... there were chickens traveling slowly along the line, getting cleaned and stuffed into boxes with mechanical precision. But there wasn't anybody around. Pretty damn odd, Mario thought. He gave a slight sigh and lifted his gaze, searching the room. Big plants usually had a room above it all, a place where the man in charge could oversee everything. And this plant had one. High above the factory floor, near the south end, was a small glass room, filled with plush furniture and a big oak desk.

Turning away from the factory floor, Mario found a stairwell near the south end. With some effort, he began to climb the stairs.

10 minutes and three flights of stairs later he reached the top. He took a moment at the top to rest, sweat pouring down his face. Breathless, he muttered to himself. "Shit. Why the Italians always gotta be... predisposed for obesity?" He took a few more minutes to catch his breath, and then peered down the hallway that lay at the top of the stairs. At the very end was a big oak door, with the words "Ludwig" hastily scribbled in big, childish letters. Pink letters, even. Mario set the pot on the floor, and gently removed the Fire Flower from the soil. As the roots were pulled from the dirt, the flower turned a bright orange color. "Shit..." Mario stood and held the flower at arms length. "Damn thing better not go off on me..." The flower continued to flash brilliantly, but Mario ignored it and crept down the hall. Upon reaching the door, he placed a hand on the knob and slowly turned it. God bless these gloves, he thought. Kids used to laugh at him in grade school for wearing 'em, but they were a blessing. The door creaked open slowly, and he stepped inside.

As soon as he set foot in the room, a large office chair spun to face him. In it sat a Koopa by the looks of it, but with a head full of bright pink hair. This had to be Ludwig. Word on the streets was that he used the moment of disbelief people felt when they saw his hair to his advantage. He just narrowed his eyes now, standing. Ludwig wasn't really tall, only beefy, with a disposition that made most megalomaniacs seem tame. He spoke in a harsh voice, glaring at Mario. "Too little, too late. You look like one of Yoshi's boys, but I don't need Yoshi now. There's a new guy in town, who don't rob us like Yoshi does. I'm taking my business up elsewhere." Mario tore his eyes away from Ludwig's eerily hypnotizing hair and pointed the Fire Flower at him. "Well..." he said. "If that's business, so is this." Ludwig's eyes widened in alarm upon spotting the Fire Flower, and he shifted on his feet, diving behind the chair. "Shit!" he yelled. "Where in the hell did you get one of THOSE?!"

Mario began to smile, smirk even, but before he could let loose with the flower, Ludwig began screaming, his voice filled with rage. "GOOMBINOS! GET YOUR ASSES OUT HERE!" A door to Mario's left flew open, and the room was suddenly filled with short little... mushroom looking things. They didn't have any arms, just a big, brown head and stubby little legs. Their eyes were huge, framed by bushy black eyebrows, and evil little smirks say plastered on their faces. Before Mario could turn the Fire Flower on these new opponents, one of the Goombinos rushed him, knocking him to the ground. The Fire Flower flew out of his hands, and landed near the door. Immediately, the rest of the Goombinos, probably 20 in all, came at him. They flattened him, jumping on him like one giant, collective fungus. Mario didn't give them the satisfaction of making any noise, but every time he tried to slip out from under their feet, they'd fly into the air, landing on him with a loud "thump". They were tiny bastards, but damn, were they heavy. It felt as though his bones were gonna break. Over the Goombino's collective snickers, he could hear Ludwig, his voice full of scorn.

"HA! Yoshi sends one fat ass plumber to get me?! I got henchman up the wazoo! BWAHAHA!" Ludwig's voice filled Mario with anger. He wasn't gonna die here, not when Luigi was out there, banging his woman. He had to finish this job, so he could go finish that backstabbing bro of his, and that bitch Peach too. Mario heaved himself off the ground, knocking the Goombinos away. With a great deal of effort, he ran to the spot where the Fire Flower lay. He picked it up and turned the petals outward, facing the Goombinos. At the sight of the flower, they all scrambled over each other, trying to move out of the way. Ludwig was screaming again, this time at the Goombinos. "YOU PANSIES! GET YOUR ASSES BACK IN LINE AND KICK HIS ASS!" But they weren't listening,. Lucky Goombinos were stupid... they were running over each other, creating confusion when it would have been so much easier for them to walk out the door in an orderly fashion. Without a single word, Mario grasped the bottom of the Fire Flower's stalk and pointed it at the Goombinos.

With a high pitched whir, the flower petals began to spin, flashing a bright neon orange color. Flames, maybe 5 feet in length, poured from the petals, incinerating anything that lie in front of it. Mario was so shocked he almost dropped the flower. But the screams of the Goombinos helped him focus, and he swept the flower back and forth, setting the tiny mushrooms ablaze. God, they were stupid. He probably could have set one on fire and let it do the work for him. Goombinos that caught fire flew into a panic, screaming as they ran about, bumping into their fellow henchman. Setting them on fire too, usually. But doing the deed yourself was so much more gratifying, and Mario watched with grim satisfaction as one by one, the Goombinos fell. Minutes later, their bodies formed a burnt carpet before him.

With a soft whistle, Mario eased his grip off the flower's stalk. The flames died down, and the petals slowed to a stop. Ludwig was nowhere to be seen, but he was in the room, sniffling and cursing. Taking a step forward, Mario kicked over the desk, revealing Ludwig, huddled into a small ball. He looked up at Mario, his eyes full of scorn. "Go ahead and kill me..." he said. "That ain't the end of it. I'm one of the Koopa Kids, and someone will notice I'm gone. When that happens, my family will be on your ass like an otaku on hentai!" Mario scoffed. He wasn't going to give this little punk the satisfaction of winning an argument. "Yeah, well, Yoshi can deal with that." He pointed the Fire Flower at Ludwig and pinched the stalk. Long before flames began to spout from the end of the plant, Ludwig was screaming.

* * *

As Mario climbed into the corvette he had parked a block away, the Fire Flower crumbled away, leaving only a few pieces of root in his hands. "Shit..." he muttered. "Damn thing works, but not for long..." He shrugged, revving the engine, and put the car in gear. Silently, he wondered how much longer he'd have to be doing jobs for Yoshi.


End file.
